Steak & Blow Job Day is March 14th – Part 1: The Steak

If you (or your SO) struck out on Valentine’s Day … this holiday is not for you.  Believe me, come March 14th you won’t be gettin’ sh*t.   Clock it, think about next Valentine’s Day and move on.

However, if your SO really went the extra mile for Valentine’s Day and you’re still telling your girlfriends about it – Steak and BJ day is a wonderful opportunity to reciprocate those warm and fuzzies.

Before you balk at the notion of a day just for him AND one that requires you to exercise those jaw muscles for something other than throwing shade or chewing gum – hear me out.

March 14th, Steak and BJ Day, has value.  There’s an incredible amount of pressure placed on men in our society to “pass” the Valentine’s Day test.  Just one month ago this dude was racking his brain and doing things his friends would punk him for just to make you happy, feel loved, and included in the V-day “loves me/loves me not” game.  Why not do something nice for him that registers deep in his primal brain?  Yes!  It’s an awful generalization – but you understand where I’m going with this.

A steak, and a motha’ fuckin’ blow job.  Because he’s worth it.

Alright, you say, I’m in.  How do I do this steak and blow job thing?  Well first,

Cuts of Meat

My recommendation is to go for beef as local to you as possible.  If you’re in my ‘hood you can take a trip to Double D Meats to find whatever it is your little carnivorous heart desires.  Or, if you’d rather know your cow’s name before it meets your plate, you can look into “cow pooling” or CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) meat shares in your area by checking Google with the search terms: CSA meat [your city].  You can also check for the grass-fed dairies closest to you.  For the rest of us who ain’t got time fa ‘dat – head to the closest butcher block to scan your options:

Rib Eye – Tender, beautifully marbled with natural fat.  The fat keeps this cut flavorful and tender.  Done right,  the beefy flavor and lovely succulence of this cut can’t be beat.  It will run you about $6 – $13.00/lb (nat’l average) and you’ll need about 1.5 – 2 lbs for two people plus a little bit of leftovers.  If you can, remember not to get too much of the excess fat trimmed, it’s what keeps this cut delicious and moist.

Image for Choice Angus Ribeye Steaks Wallpaper Free For PC

Top Sirloin – Not as marbled as rib eye (more lean meat), can be accompanied by a nice strip of fat round the edge but far less throughout.  The fat (and flavor) is generally trimmed from the edge but, if you can, ask for the fat to be less trimmed.  Still has some nice marbling, with more lean meat, there is less margin for error but it’s still quite nice.  Good economical option at $5 – $11/lb.  You’ll want about 2 lbs or two nice sized steaks.

T-bone/Porterhouse – The holy grail of steaks.  They. Are. HUGE.  Note: Porterhouse and T-bone are two different steaks, but come from the same general area, so I’ll be referring to them simultaneously. Difficult to get right as one side is a New York strip, and the other is a tenderloin filet.  However, if you’re on top of your game, the porterhouse/T-bone can be amazing.  The ratio of marbling and lean meat is pretty incredible.  It’s also a steak that will serve two.  Generally, I would reserve a porterhouse for grilling, but if you’re careful, you can skillet fry the shit out of a porterhouse/t bone with pretty good results.  And, it just looks impressive.  They are not cheap though.  A good T-bone/porterhouse will run you about $10 – $20/lb.  You’ll want at least a 2 lb steak for two.

How to Cook a Steak

It’s all about the dry rub.  You remember when you came home crying from the 6th grade dance looking like a clown with your ill applied make-up all smeared and mascara running down your face, and your mama told you you’re beautiful just the way you are?  A natural beauty?  Yes you do.

The same concept applies to a glorious hunk of meat.  It needs little adornment and minimal molestation.  Do NOT try and sex it up with fancy seasonings and certainly NEVER apply a wet seasoning (i.e. sugar laden marinade, Worcestershire sauce, etc.).  You will be sorry.  It will boil and steam, become tough, and ruin a perfectly good piece of meat.  Most tragically – the steak will resist developing the coveted seared crust your’e going for.  If you disregard my advice – you better make for damn sure the blow job is the best thing that’s ever come out of your mouth since the word “yes.”

Whichever you choose, follow these simple but important steps and you will be in steak lovin’ heaven.

You will need:

  • Steak of your choosing
  • Butter (at least 4 tablespoons)
  • Dry herbs of your choosing ( I like rosemary or thyme)
  • Oil with a high smoking point (at least 2 tablespoons)
  • Kosher Salt
  • Black Pepper
  • Cast Iron or Heavy Bottomed Heat Proof Skillet

Step 1 – 30 – 45 minutes before you ready to put heat to the meat, unwrap your meat, and pat dry any excess moisture with a paper towel.    

OPTIONAL: If you find there’s still some gritty residue left from the cutting at the butcher block (I don’t, I find it adds more flavor to the cooking), you can lightly rinse off the bone fragments but you absolutely must pat completely dry with a paper towel afterwards.

Step 2 – Season both sides liberally with kosher salt and black pepper. In a pinch, I use natural sea salt  and freshly ground pepper.  This will serve as is the base for the lovely crust that will develop during cooking as well as draw out any additional moisture from the meat, so make sure to evenly season.  Again, try not to get fancy with the seasonings.  Powdered seasonings like garlic, onion, or chili powder will quickly burn and add an acrid taste to the finished product.  However, if you just can’t help yourself, now is the time to season with a DRY seasoning of your choice as it will be patted once more before cooking.

Step 3 – Let the seasoned meat rest at room temperature for 30 – 45 minutes to let the salt do its thing.  It might be tempting, but DO NOT put the seasoned meat in the ‘fridge to rest.  The cold will cause condensation  = surface water build up = no golden crust for you.

Step 4 – Preheat your cast iron skillet on high heat.  Before the fat or steak even hit the pan, it should be screaming hot.  About 20 minutes on a gas burner should be efficient.  If you do not have a cast iron skillet: Use the most heavy bottomed, heat proof skillet you have.  I do not recommend a non-stick coated skillet if you can help it.  The pan will be on very high heat for a prolonged period.

Step 5 – Pat the prepped steak dry once more.  Then add enough fat to coat the bottom of the skillet (about 2 tablespoons) and heat until barely smoking.  Use a neutral oil with a high smoking point.  I don’t go in for refined seed oils, so I prefer to cook with ghee (clarified butter).  You can make your own compliments of the good people at Every Day  If you have no beef  (ha! see what I did there?) with commercial oils the best commonly available commercial choices: Safflower Oil, Vegetable Oil, or Canola Oil.  Good choices: Lard or Virgin avocado oil.  Whatever you choose, STEER CLEAR of olive oil, coconut oil, and standard butter (non-clarified).  The smoking points of these oils are some of the lowest, and they will burn before getting hot enough for your purposes … and will maybe ignite.

Step 6 – Lay the steak in the center of the pan (AWAY from you, FFS!) and let it cook on high heat, undisturbed for about 2 minutes.  Flip the steak after 2 minutes and let cook undisturbed on that side as well.  Keep flipping every 2 minutes until the internal temperature is 10 degrees F from the the minimum of the rage for where you’d like the finished product to be: 

Doneness Internal Temp Description
Rare 125 degrees F Thinly seared/cooked layer, followed by very thin strip of pink, deeply red 75%
Medium Rare 130-135 Degrees F Medium sear/cooked layer, followed by thicker ring of pink, 50% red center
Medium 135-140 Degrees F Well seared layer, pink layer blends with 25% faintly red center, no deep red to be found
Medium Well 140-150 Degrees F Mostly done steak, pink center, no red whatsoever
Well Done 155+ Degrees F No pink whatsoever.  Uniformly brown throughout

Step 7 – Once steak is about 10 degrees F from your minimum desired range, turn heat to medium and add 3 – 4 tablespoons of butter (standard unsalted is perfect) and let melt.  Place any fresh herbs on top of the butter, and look for consistent butter bubbles.  If the butter is has turned dark brown, you’ve waited too long.

Step 8 – Once butter starts to bubble, carefully and continuously spoon butter over the top of steak (again, AWAY from you, FFS!).  Note:  The skillet and the butter will be hella hot, so use an oven mitt to tip the skillet and coax the butter into a pool if you need better access to the butter.

Step 9 – After about 1 minute, flip the steak, and baste that side as well.  After another minute, check the internal temperature once again to see if it’s reached the mid range of desired doneness  (see above).  If your steak is still outside of your desired doneness range, keep flipping every 1 minute and basting until internal temp is perfect.  In case you need a visual for finished product:

Step 10 – Remove steak from pan and place on a cutting board.  LET IT REST for 10 minutes before cutting into it.  Please, don’t fuck this part up. It would be a shame for all of your hard work to go to waste.

Final Result – You can slice it with a very sharp knife or leave it unmolested and slap it on a plate next to some traditional veggie sides (or none at all, cause f*ck veggies).  Enjoy!

Some tips: 

DON’T FORGET TO VENTILATE.  Seriously.  You will be cooking with fat on very high heat that will need to be watched and tended carefully.  Do not make the mistake of setting off the smoke alarm during that small window of time you have to properly watch and tend the steak.

MINIMIZE EXTRA MOISTURE:  I can not stress this enough.  If you want to add any wet seasoning, it should be presented as an option along side the finished product.

LET THAT SHIT REST: The steak is still cooking, and juices will be preserved during this step.  The internal temp should continue to rise up to about 5 more degrees F, so it’s paramount to execute step 9 correctly to achieve desired results.

And that’s it for the steak part of the holiday.  What sides do you do with your steak?